my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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