my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
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