Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
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