I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
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