Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
