I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
Randomize
