cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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