The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
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