When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
