..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
are any of them hardcore sluts...just absolute worthless human beings? if not the paper wins
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
I can't put those talents on a resume
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
