i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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