You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize