The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
