so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
Randomize
