i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Randomize
