Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
Randomize
