Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
