i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
Randomize
