My hand turned me down
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
