now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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