Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
He shit in the fireplace
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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