I CAN MOONWALK!
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Randomize
