i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
