Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
Randomize
