Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
He? As in you personified your dick?
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
Randomize
