Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
What's proper 1 nite stand etiquette?
Say hi to his dad and make him some breakfast.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
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