i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
i may or may not be watching the land before time
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
Randomize
