I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
