ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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