I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Need sex. Gaining weight.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
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