I cannot find my penis.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
You need Xanax blowdarts
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
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