Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
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