Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
