good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
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