haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Randomize