come over anyways, right now, right this second
it can be a super quick quicky, then you can go back to studying
wow, that sounds SO fun, please stop enticing me with premature ejaculation
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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