My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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