if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
