my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Randomize
