You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Randomize