Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
