Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Randomize
