I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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