I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
Your shirt... Was in my pants
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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