if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Randomize
