She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
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