just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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