Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
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