even my farts smell like vagina
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
BRING THE BAGELS
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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