Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Randomize
