Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
