Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
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