If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize
