i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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