also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
