Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
Randomize
